wth you take 2 hour showers?

that sounds nice
a hot 2 hour shower

but my skin wouldn't get pruney
and I wouldn't get bored in there or lonely
and when I got out I wouldn't have to worry about my hair
I could be beautiful with it short
and I wouldn't lie awake with mind numbing busy brain work
when I awoke I wouldn't regret showering and going to bed raw
and I wouldn't sit and wonder where the time went and how I became undefined
but I wouldn't have to spend an hour making myself up in the morning to go out
I could do nothing and be me
and be admirable and happy go lucky
but there would be worth and meaning
and when I smiled there wouldn't be insecurities because smiles would be seen for the emotion and not the appearance
others would celebrate the simple amusement with me
and I wouldn't pass numbers of numb people without speaking to one
I'd be among aware humans, and not too many that we couldn't know each other


a hot 2 hour shower sounds nice
but my skin wouldn't get pruney
and when I got out I wouldn't have to do my hair

I miss you mom.

"So I say to you,

Come home
Come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home"

The fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home

eff emotions

fuck sensitivity and fuck caring.
no, fuck you for making me wish I didn't have feelings.
fuck the horse you ride.
fuck your inability.
fuck the dwindling of all I am.
fuck my authentic hope and endurance despite years of calamity.

we could drive to san francisco
try to have a good time
make an effort to convince you
there's more to life than dying

but it sounds unrealistic
at this point I know not to count on it
on any of you
I'm becoming comfortable in pity and blame
you sure have made me your company
I need to get out before you make me the same

so can I please use your cabin for the weekend
without another soul near
I want to sit in isolation
experience the weather

I'd go to San Francisco
but this family can't get better