I want it all...

I want to learn and dig deeper and deeper into the science of this world
I want to explore this entire planet, see it, savor it and remember it
I want to get to know other species and spend time with them/help them
I want to offer up my help in other countries and other cultures/peace corps/red cross
I want to play music and be able to create the visions I have in my head; be it painting, building, stories
I want to always live in the moment
yet I want to progress

can I do these things?
I believe so much in you
I need to believe in me

so much to live for
such little time

let me know

I don't know what would make me hate you more
if you really just have no depth
or if you do but didn't care about me at all to use it

all that remains

every perspective is skewed by the moments we've held onto
with a lesson learned the gained wisdom can make a decision seem so conscious
with both emotion and logic seeming in check
but the response to progression can be easily backtracked and digressed if overwhelmed with pride of now knowing all

growth should not only invigorate and show progression
it should also remind of all that is still unknown
if anything, it lifts the eyelids to all that is still left to be seen
reemerge a humility and openness in the soul for all that remains to be endured and understood

seems so long as I have a friend in me, I have a friend in no one else.

can't get myself to go away so others can come around..
so disconnected from anyone but me.

A good time

Well I don't sleep well if I'm away from home. But I can't sleep at home these days either. How many mistakes is a liar granted? Just know I feel the sorrow for my deeds. I need to learn boundaries. I need to quit drinking. I'll get a complex again and really start thinking. Disconnect from everyone, but in a good way. All the ones that fall for me that I bring the light of day. Had a great time. And he's great too. But the fun I have with him means nothing when I think about you. I feel so awful for the natural affection I give becuase the truth is they are not set apart. What is monogamy? There can't ever be mutual feelings. Just have fun with me. Please don't ask for more. Cuz I'm giving less than you'll ask for. Pocket Aces are exciting before the flop. But when I deal a card that gives the other guy a flush, well baby it's tough luck. And you'll keep calling even though you know he's beaten you. You'll lose all your chips and have to save up to start anew. But I'm the dealer...now didn't you know better?

It's Christmas? huh.

Take back all the gifts I bought you.
You can't take back the shit you put me through.

you're so fucked up for doing the things you do
and now I'm stuck in this house miserable with you.

so fuck you
and all we've been through
I said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
hate me so bad
that you can let me out
let me out
let me out
of this hell when you're around

what I want from you
IS LEARN TO LET GO

what I want really isn't much
maybe the same as anyone
for you to care a little
try a little
love me on Christmas Eve and Christmas too.

slap it out of me

Violently splashing water on my face seems to be the biggest favor I can do for myself these last few days. It is the single thing that seems to momentarily give me power over my anxiety.
Once you realize you can survive anything, you realize nothing matters. Billy said the more you change the less you feel. But I have experienced life, and I have risen up through the mud before. I know that my soul will reemerge, always.
But today I do not understand why.

Perhaps the most fucked up part, is how uneasy I am that I do not appear my wonderful self. I am worried what everyone will think of me because I am not at my best.
I will simplify it and classify it as exhaustion and guilty-empathy for my recent friend. And I cannot find the song or artist of a song that states how I have always felt about life and wished others could understand-- something to the effect of

don't worry about your feelings and all the petty occurrences in your life
just be glad to be here.

Rob the innocent

the innocent are blackened with guilt
while the guilty plead their innocence

this is all too familiar.

Because it's so much better
when we don't make a chance for something more
There's still an illusion of magic
if we're out of reach
with only that one moment
where we didn't have to show each other who we are

just hold my hand once
let's have some fun
and say goodbye
hoping to see each other again
but we must remember the next day
it will only prove our delusion
of what was a magic illusion

Life as I know it

Have you ever awoke
to see the sky above yourself
the blue behind the floating clouds
and realized the beauty of the world you've let yourself become so used to

Did you take a moment to watch
the sun shining on the big but oh so minimal planet you inhabit
and just hope that everyone around you
could feel the appreciation you had found

Even all that seemed bad you were grateful for
because of the mere existence of it all
and no matter what silly things came up in life
you were now and forever aware of the never-ending bloom

wth you take 2 hour showers?

that sounds nice
a hot 2 hour shower

but my skin wouldn't get pruney
and I wouldn't get bored in there or lonely
and when I got out I wouldn't have to worry about my hair
I could be beautiful with it short
and I wouldn't lie awake with mind numbing busy brain work
when I awoke I wouldn't regret showering and going to bed raw
and I wouldn't sit and wonder where the time went and how I became undefined
but I wouldn't have to spend an hour making myself up in the morning to go out
I could do nothing and be me
and be admirable and happy go lucky
but there would be worth and meaning
and when I smiled there wouldn't be insecurities because smiles would be seen for the emotion and not the appearance
others would celebrate the simple amusement with me
and I wouldn't pass numbers of numb people without speaking to one
I'd be among aware humans, and not too many that we couldn't know each other


a hot 2 hour shower sounds nice
but my skin wouldn't get pruney
and when I got out I wouldn't have to do my hair

I miss you mom.

"So I say to you,

Come home
Come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home"

The fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home

eff emotions

fuck sensitivity and fuck caring.
no, fuck you for making me wish I didn't have feelings.
fuck the horse you ride.
fuck your inability.
fuck the dwindling of all I am.
fuck my authentic hope and endurance despite years of calamity.

we could drive to san francisco
try to have a good time
make an effort to convince you
there's more to life than dying

but it sounds unrealistic
at this point I know not to count on it
on any of you
I'm becoming comfortable in pity and blame
you sure have made me your company
I need to get out before you make me the same

so can I please use your cabin for the weekend
without another soul near
I want to sit in isolation
experience the weather

I'd go to San Francisco
but this family can't get better

Could I be this bear?

what a beautiful occurrence.

I want to be the one
I don't want to second guess
I want to be beautiful
I want to fulfill these successes
I don't want to be in the dark
I want to shine in the light with commendable force

Am I the great I thought
Am I a man to be
A woman to love
Am I good enough?

I will wander with hopes
for another's recognition
I will miss and regret
I'll appear as any other
I'll waste chances with no assertion
I'll live dead
I won't be all my child said

I was meant to be the great
I could have been a man
A woman to love
More than just enough

I was told
I knew I'd never tell the same
Because I am my child
But these generations' words I repeat-

Listen to what your child said.

fuckin disrespect

Convict me of the crime
because of your guilt
I'll change who I am
Because you hate yourself
To still be me
would be selfish you see
But we are still close
Do not worry,

you are not quite Charmane

Give me a call from a hospital in California
least you're not on the streets alone
your sister would have more fun if you were

I saw the world cold
how I imagine you've seen it for 27 years
how did you make it so old?
I'm sorry I ever quit wiping those tears

and yes,
you are secure tonight, from the lone and drugs
but you are not safe from the fear
I am so frightened by how I feel
why do we all end up here?

What if her arms were clean
Love granted and beauty seen

What if her arms were clean
Love granted and beauty seen

What if her arms were clean
Love granted and beauty seen

perhaps she could love me in return..

woke up depressed today
no reason to awake

put the dishes in the washer
fed me some processed food

sat down in front of a screen
thought of my obligations today

glanced over at the window
the sun sneaking through the cover

remembered it's up to me
drew the veil to the side

looked far across our vast soil
sun making a big sky blue

be a human today
be alive and involved in this beautiful miracle of existence

think no more of your role acquired and enforced in this society
leave your routine behind and
let's run across the surface of the earth today

grant awareness of the breath
embrace our place today

drink of the water
taste of the fruit
indulge in the laughter
share the moment with a companion

I took a look at the world
and I awed
unfathomable gratitude
for I have been included in the mix

you tell me what I should do
what is fair?

what do you think would be correct
for me to do now

would regression on my part
be in your favor

giving up
in mine

maybe I'm just holding on
to loving
what is now just a fake idea

if you would cry before
when you felt it's sting coming on

rather numb the pain again
and cry to me there after

what happens to my tears?
will you ever acknowledge those

I carry around a guilt
like I've caused something more

I'll probably give you a call

you'll probably suck me dry

cry

get high

let us bid our good byes.

when you've had enough
give us a call
when you've really had enough

not enough for the night
or for the year

when you've really had enough

because I take what I can get
and you take all of me

I deserve better
you don't deserve me

I wish I still knew you
that things hadn't changed

but I have to accept it's all that's in you
your only anwer in the rain

I will never act as you
won't venture the pain I can cause

can't you step outside
and really take a look

can you please stop this time
take another breath

don't inhale the smoke
before you think about the rest

I'm not in your room
but I'm in another

please don't ask of me
not ever again

please just let me go
you've given me no choice