all that remains

every perspective is skewed by the moments we've held onto
with a lesson learned the gained wisdom can make a decision seem so conscious
with both emotion and logic seeming in check
but the response to progression can be easily backtracked and digressed if overwhelmed with pride of now knowing all

growth should not only invigorate and show progression
it should also remind of all that is still unknown
if anything, it lifts the eyelids to all that is still left to be seen
reemerge a humility and openness in the soul for all that remains to be endured and understood

seems so long as I have a friend in me, I have a friend in no one else.

can't get myself to go away so others can come around..
so disconnected from anyone but me.

A good time

Well I don't sleep well if I'm away from home. But I can't sleep at home these days either. How many mistakes is a liar granted? Just know I feel the sorrow for my deeds. I need to learn boundaries. I need to quit drinking. I'll get a complex again and really start thinking. Disconnect from everyone, but in a good way. All the ones that fall for me that I bring the light of day. Had a great time. And he's great too. But the fun I have with him means nothing when I think about you. I feel so awful for the natural affection I give becuase the truth is they are not set apart. What is monogamy? There can't ever be mutual feelings. Just have fun with me. Please don't ask for more. Cuz I'm giving less than you'll ask for. Pocket Aces are exciting before the flop. But when I deal a card that gives the other guy a flush, well baby it's tough luck. And you'll keep calling even though you know he's beaten you. You'll lose all your chips and have to save up to start anew. But I'm the dealer...now didn't you know better?

It's Christmas? huh.

Take back all the gifts I bought you.
You can't take back the shit you put me through.

you're so fucked up for doing the things you do
and now I'm stuck in this house miserable with you.

so fuck you
and all we've been through
I said leave it
it's nothing to you
and if you hate me
hate me so bad
that you can let me out
let me out
let me out
of this hell when you're around

what I want from you
IS LEARN TO LET GO

what I want really isn't much
maybe the same as anyone
for you to care a little
try a little
love me on Christmas Eve and Christmas too.

slap it out of me

Violently splashing water on my face seems to be the biggest favor I can do for myself these last few days. It is the single thing that seems to momentarily give me power over my anxiety.
Once you realize you can survive anything, you realize nothing matters. Billy said the more you change the less you feel. But I have experienced life, and I have risen up through the mud before. I know that my soul will reemerge, always.
But today I do not understand why.

Perhaps the most fucked up part, is how uneasy I am that I do not appear my wonderful self. I am worried what everyone will think of me because I am not at my best.
I will simplify it and classify it as exhaustion and guilty-empathy for my recent friend. And I cannot find the song or artist of a song that states how I have always felt about life and wished others could understand-- something to the effect of

don't worry about your feelings and all the petty occurrences in your life
just be glad to be here.

Rob the innocent

the innocent are blackened with guilt
while the guilty plead their innocence

this is all too familiar.