slap it out of me

Violently splashing water on my face seems to be the biggest favor I can do for myself these last few days. It is the single thing that seems to momentarily give me power over my anxiety.
Once you realize you can survive anything, you realize nothing matters. Billy said the more you change the less you feel. But I have experienced life, and I have risen up through the mud before. I know that my soul will reemerge, always.
But today I do not understand why.

Perhaps the most fucked up part, is how uneasy I am that I do not appear my wonderful self. I am worried what everyone will think of me because I am not at my best.
I will simplify it and classify it as exhaustion and guilty-empathy for my recent friend. And I cannot find the song or artist of a song that states how I have always felt about life and wished others could understand-- something to the effect of

don't worry about your feelings and all the petty occurrences in your life
just be glad to be here.

Rob the innocent

the innocent are blackened with guilt
while the guilty plead their innocence

this is all too familiar.

Because it's so much better
when we don't make a chance for something more
There's still an illusion of magic
if we're out of reach
with only that one moment
where we didn't have to show each other who we are

just hold my hand once
let's have some fun
and say goodbye
hoping to see each other again
but we must remember the next day
it will only prove our delusion
of what was a magic illusion

Life as I know it

Have you ever awoke
to see the sky above yourself
the blue behind the floating clouds
and realized the beauty of the world you've let yourself become so used to

Did you take a moment to watch
the sun shining on the big but oh so minimal planet you inhabit
and just hope that everyone around you
could feel the appreciation you had found

Even all that seemed bad you were grateful for
because of the mere existence of it all
and no matter what silly things came up in life
you were now and forever aware of the never-ending bloom

wth you take 2 hour showers?

that sounds nice
a hot 2 hour shower

but my skin wouldn't get pruney
and I wouldn't get bored in there or lonely
and when I got out I wouldn't have to worry about my hair
I could be beautiful with it short
and I wouldn't lie awake with mind numbing busy brain work
when I awoke I wouldn't regret showering and going to bed raw
and I wouldn't sit and wonder where the time went and how I became undefined
but I wouldn't have to spend an hour making myself up in the morning to go out
I could do nothing and be me
and be admirable and happy go lucky
but there would be worth and meaning
and when I smiled there wouldn't be insecurities because smiles would be seen for the emotion and not the appearance
others would celebrate the simple amusement with me
and I wouldn't pass numbers of numb people without speaking to one
I'd be among aware humans, and not too many that we couldn't know each other


a hot 2 hour shower sounds nice
but my skin wouldn't get pruney
and when I got out I wouldn't have to do my hair

I miss you mom.

"So I say to you,

Come home
Come home
Cause I've been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home"

The fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home